


Shinobi Dating Protocol

by unjaundiced



Category: Naruto
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, Crack, Friends to Lovers, Humor, M/M, Matchmaking, Meddling, Misunderstandings, Oblivious, Oblivious Iruka, it takes a village
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-19 01:15:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22736302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unjaundiced/pseuds/unjaundiced
Summary: Iruka trips over a wounded Kakashi one day and ends up being forced to be his hospital buddy. He forgets that hospital buddies are essentially dating couples in the shinobi world. Too bad no one else forgot that little fact.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 5
Kudos: 234





	Shinobi Dating Protocol

It was early spring when Iruka first ran into Kakashi—tripped over him to be more precise. The jounin was collapsed in a well-trampled wallow of mud under a tree, clinging to consciousness with a tenacity only an elite of his renown could muster. His flak vest was a dingy brown that could have been either mud or dried blood; more likely, a homogeneous mixture of both. Kakashi's trademark silver-grey bush of hair was remarkably unscathed and proudly pointed itself in the direction he'd been headed before his face had come to an intimate meeting with the earth. Ahead, Konoha Hospital gleamed in the weak afternoon sun like a distant and frivolous god.  
  
Iruka huffed a bit, raising an eyebrow and toeing a large rend in the side of Kakashi's flak jacket that exposed the blood-soaked bandages beneath. A dull grey-blue eye crinkled at the edges with rueful amusement, exhaustion apparent in the slowly dilating iris. One of Kakashi's fingers twitched and Iruka could see his lips moving slightly under his mask, the ghosts of words slipping out silently between breaths. He sighed and cast his eyes around the Academy playground, nonplussed. Kakashi shouldn't have gone past the Academy to access the hospital in the first place.  
  
Iruka squatted and prodded Kakashi's shoulder, tipping him up from the mud and frowning. He mentally sighed over the inevitable soiling of his uniform and shook his head. He tapped Kakashi on his hitai-ate to make sure he had his attention and raised his pointer finger, steeling his gaze. _One time only. You owe me_ , he thought hard at the injured man. Kakashi's eye arched happily in response and he sighed something without a voice. Iruka rolled his eyes, hooked one of Kakashi's arms over his shoulders and they disappeared in a silent shower of tender spring leaves and dewy mist. In the bushes fronting the tree, a trio of goggled children giggled to themselves before racing off to spread the news that Iruka-sensei had himself a _boyfriend_.  
  
How Iruka found himself assigned caretaker to the incapacitated jounin was beyond him. Lady Tsunade had been standing in the hospital foyer terrorizing Shizune about some kind of squash mold spore that was infecting the lungs of various citizenry, herself included, when the bloody and muddy duo had popped into existence. The following hours had been a blur of shouting, shaking, shoving, and bundling into hospital garb.  
  
Iruka groaned to himself, plucking at the white two-piece outfit that patients typically wore. Tsunade had refused to believe that he hadn't also been injured and had subjected him to a 10-point physical exam which apparently included a flexibility test. He hadn't even known his spine could bend that way and neither had the observing medical staff—nor _Genma_ whom, for some inconceivable notion, had been loitering in the hallways—as evidenced by their spontaneous applause as Tsunade had forced him to contort in various, and surprisingly not uncomfortable, positions.  
  
The Hokage had made him fill out a laundry list of admittance and release forms for Kakashi and himself (for the physical exam, she insisted) and left him in the chair aside Kakashi's bed with strict instructions to see to his every need. As far as he was concerned, Iruka was certain the Godaime was trying to avoid having to actually assign someone to make sure the man didn't up and disappear. He wasn't adverse to being a hospital buddy, but to Hatake Kakashi of all people… _Really?_  
  
"Iruka-sensei?"  
  
Iruka startled slightly at the rough voice, leaning forward to gauge the Copy Nin's lucidity.

"Kakashi-sensei? It's Iruka-sensei. Did you want some water, Kakashi-sensei?"  
  
A hazy grey eye rolled to focus on him, edging towards blue as joyful recognition flared. Kakashi's hair slid along the face of the pillow, the only real evidence of his negating shake. Iruka should have known better than to let his guard down.  
  
"No water right now. Would you be able to do me a favor though," Kakashi murmured tiredly.  
  
Iruka nodded gently, determined to do his duty towards a fellow Konoha shinobi. "I will do my best."  
  
"Could you go to the bookstore for me?"  
  
Iruka's hands slipped from his knees and he almost brained himself on the safety bar at the side of Kakashi's bed. Kakashi went on as if Iruka hadn't almost mortally injured himself. "You see, I pre-ordered the next edition of Jiraiya-san's Icha Icha and if I don't pick it up within 24 hours, it goes on sale to the public. I was supposed to pick it up on Monday."  
  
Iruka, slightly recovered, rubbed at his temples in aggravation, already feeling the start of a migraine. "Kakashi-sensei, it's Thursday now. If what you said is true, the bookstore won't have your book anymore," he groused. Iruka then made the mistake of opening his eyes.  
  
Kakashi had the most pathetic puppy dog eye Iruka had ever seen. It was dewy and wide and glistened with all the force of a shoujo manga heroine. His white surgical mask trembled and Iruka knew, just _knew_ , his lip was wibbling. Kakashi was too good and he knew it.  
  
Iruka sighed and Kakashi's hangdog expression immediately brightened as he chirped out a bubbly "My hero!" in a tone that screamed smitten preteen female sighs complete with air hearts and blown kisses.  
  
"I'll just bet the bookstore owner knows you personally. In fact, three days late is probably early," Iruka muttered, throwing his hands up in exasperation. Kakashi watched him with fascination, frowning a little at the last part.  
  
"I am _never_ late for Icha Icha, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi uttered with intense seriousness. "Thursday just came early."  
  
"Impossible! You are impossible," Iruka cried, already dusting the wrinkles from his lap as he headed for the door. He paused, whipped around and pointed an accusing finger. "Don't. Go. _Anywhere_ ," he bit out before sailing out the door like a diva.  
  
As it turned out, not only had Kakashi pre-ordered the next edition of I _cha Icha Moral Ambiguity_ —just what kind of title was that anyway!—but he had ordered eleven copies of it in addition to the _Icha Icha Legends_ movie— _two_ copies! According to the bookseller, who indeed had a standing agreement to hold any orders from one Hatake Kakashi for indefinite lengths of time, Kakashi bought multiple copies to secret around the village and always made sure to have one unread and signed copy of each item he bought, hence the double movie purchase.  
  
In short order, Iruka stumbled out of the shop with a swollen bag of books in a daze, completely befuddled by the old woman's comment about "Kakashi-sensei's excessively good taste". The Icha Icha franchise was in good taste? He felt a little disturbed and decided to take the longer route back to the hospital, cutting through the market district, unaware that he looked a bit like an escaped patient from the psych ward with his hospital whites and the paper sack he clutched to his chest like a lifeline.  
  
From off to his left, a produce seller that liked to slip him an extra fruit every now and again hailed Iruka to her stall, a stuffed paper sack held in her arm and canted on her hip like a baby. Iruka approached her uneasily as she smiled even more broadly, pushing the paper sack into his arms as soon as he came within reach.  
  
"Mama-san, what is this?" Iruka fumbled, trying to juggle the two bags as she stuffed eggplants in with what appeared to be a tub of miso and dried bonito.  
  
The woman tittered, batting playfully at his arm and winking in a way that was probably meant to be conspiratorial but only served to look a little creepy. The fishmonger next to her chortled and commented that he had added fresh saury to the bottom of the bag and another woman from across the street had apparently gifted Iruka fresh tofu. Iruka could only bow in confused acceptance, knowing refusing would invoke the wrath of the market people. He turned to make a quick escape before they could foist more foodstuffs upon his hapless person and ran straight into a white-clad form. As he stumbled back, he dimly noted that it was the second time he'd run into this man today.  
  
Hatake Kakashi, recently admitted to the Konoha Hospital for various symptoms including, but not limited to, chakra exhaustion and a severe abdominal laceration that had almost gutted him, stood in the middle of the market, cheerfully waving at the shop keeps, wearing his hospital whites and surgical mask with the casual ease of an escaped sociopath. Iruka gaped.  
  
"Just _what_ are you doing," Iruka barked out, recovering from his shock.  
  
"Maa, you were taking a little long, so…" Kakashi trailed off.  
  
"You should be _resting_ ," Iruka scolded, grabbing hold of Kakashi's wrist and stomping off towards the direction of the hospital. Kakashi waved a cheerful farewell to the shop keeps as he was hauled away. The store owners smiled broadly and waved back enthusiastically.  
  
"Did you see their cute couple outfits," the produce seller sighed. The tofu maker's wife giggled in response. From behind a pyramid of rice bales a trio of goggled children popped up again, giggling madly amongst themselves. _Couple outfits!_  
  
Kakashi eyed the hand that held his wrist in an unforgiving grip and smiled cheerfully as the various citizenry of Konoha stopped to gape and giggle. He waved gallantly to people he knew as an oblivious Iruka bulldozed his way through the crowd, the sterile walls of Kakashi's room in the hospital the only thing on his mind.  
  
"—you for picking up my groceries."  
  
Iruka paused, his foot delayed between steps for the barest of breaths. He flashed a look to Kakashi who was eyeing the sky curiously.  
  
_"Aho!"_  
  
He looked up as well, brow crinkling in confusion. For some reason birds seemed to appear overhead whenever he ran into Kakashi. It was the oddest thing and for one brief moment the previous summer he'd thought he was being stalked by a crazy summoner or that it was a joke being played upon him by Kakashi himself. He still wasn't certain it wasn't a joke. Come to think of it, he'd been following a rare blue pheasant when he'd tripped over the man earlier.  
  
"You said something," Iruka queried, already moving on.  
  
"I said," Kakashi tugged his wrist back gently. "I said, 'Thank you for picking up my groceries.'"  
  
Iruka blanched. "These are _your_ groceries? Why would I be receiving _your_ groceries?"  
  
Kakashi shrugged. "Perhaps they'd heard you were taking care of me. And by the way…"  
  
Iruka felt Kakashi's fingers trying to pry his hand off his wrist and tightened his grip warningly.

"If you wanted to hold my hand, all you had to do was ask," Kakashi murmured, closing his free hand over Iruka's, causing him to jump back as if scalded.  
  
"I don't want to hold your hand," Iruka cried out, scandalized. "I just didn't want you running away!"

"You just want me to be close with you? I am also fine with that," Kakashi grinned like a crazy one-eyed bandit, reaching out to take Iruka's hand. Iruka cried out and ran towards the hospital shouting that those jokes weren't funny. Kakashi laughed to himself and followed at a more sedate pace.  
  
Kakashi caught up to Iruka near the hospital entrance where he had stopped to wait for him, eyes on him like a hawk as he monitored his approach. Iruka huffed and marched into the building as Kakashi gallantly swung the door open, bowing flamboyantly. The nurses giggled as Iruka sailed past, a grim pout fixed on his face. Behind him, Kakashi stretched languorously and waved lazily back at them as he and his crotchety companion turned the corner.  
  
In Kakashi's room, Iruka stomped towards the bed and tore back the privacy curtain.  
  
" _I knew it_ ," he roared, dropping the parcels on the bed and pointing accusingly. Kakashi blinked up innocently, still too weak to sit up by himself. Behind Iruka, the other Kakashi waved cheerfully.  
  
"Iruka-sensei, you could hurt yourself. You should relax a little," Kakashi murmured, eyes arching in a smile.  
  
"Disperse him, _now_ ," Iruka barked, pointing backwards at the Kakashi clone that had been following him.  
  
"If you wanted some alone time, all you had to do was ask," Kakashi uttered cheekily. Iruka had to resist the urge to shake him.  
  
"You are here for _chakra exhaustion_ if you haven't forgotten, so why are you wasting your strength on useless things like siccing clones on me," Iruka cried with exasperation, throwing his hands skyward as if asking a higher being for aid.  
  
"I was worried?" Kakashi seemed uncertain.  
  
Iruka's glare was quelling. "You need to eat. If I make you food, you need to disperse your clone in exchange. Are we in agreement?"  
  
"A meal from Iruka-sensei? Anything for you," Kakashi purred, shaking fingers already forming the break seal. Iruka rolled his eyes and went to terrorize a hapless nurse into procuring cookware for him.  
  
"No more clones," Iruka shouted from down the hallway. "I'm onto you!"  
  
Kakashi ignored him, already digging gleefully through the bags in search of his precious book.  
  
How he had done it, Iruka didn't know, but Kakashi had somehow tricked him into both preparing his favorite meals _in_ the hospital room, broiling saury over an open flame and all, _and_ had Iruka stealing a portable television from the hospital break room so Kakashi could watch his new movie. Shackled to Kakashi's bedside by a steely grip to his wrist, Iruka was forced to admit that _Icha Icha Legends_ was a much better movie than he thought it would be. He wasn't in agreement with Kakashi that he'd be out to buy it the next day though. It was good, but it wasn't _that_ good. Iruka mentally tallied his budget, fervently telling himself it was for food expenses. He really wasn't going to get an Icha Icha movie. He wasn't.  
  
Iruka spent the next few days squabbling with Kakashi over the plot of the newest Icha Icha book which Kakashi had _also_ gotten him to look over—a mind control jutsu Iruka decided—or asleep on the other bed in the room. Babysitting Kakashi was exhausting, Iruka decided, though the man tended to doze at the same time as he. Iruka refused to admit that maybe he'd needed the rest himself. At least they'd both be fairly well-rested when the flower viewing festival was set to occur at the end of the week. Kakashi had picked a good time to hurt himself. It was Iruka's only free week until summer.  
  
The end of the week found the two hospital detainees hobbling through the crowded streets, bundled against a sudden spring chill, Kakashi using Iruka as a human crutch. The cherry blossoms were in full bloom, raining down soft pale pink petals upon the awnings of makeshift stalls. Children raced around the pair, bumping against their knees and forcing them into each other. Down the lane, Anko steadily wiped out the dango seller's stock as quickly as he could make it, shouting to all and sundry her satisfaction all the while.  
  
Iruka grumbled under his breath as Kakashi listed dangerously, tightening his grip around the jounin's waist, fingers digging into the padded yukata Kakashi wore.  
  
" _Take him to the hanami, Iruka_ ," Tsunade had yelled drunkenly that morning as she forced their arms through the sleeves of the thick yukata and tanzen combination as if they were helpless children. " _Brat needs to get out more! Catch him a fish!_ "  
  
Shizune and Sakura had appeared to drag Tsunade away as she tried to stuff them into paired haori the colour of green rice, both dressed in pretty spring yukata decorated with flowers and goldfish. Ton Ton had trotted after, towing a tiny sled with a neatly folded yukata bundled on it for Tsunade, appropriately covered in ryo and lucky frogs. All in all, it was a bit of a mannish design but Iruka and Kakashi held enough discretion between them both to hold their tongues.  
  
"Maa, my apologies, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi mumbled into Iruka's ear. "If I were only stronger…"

"Not at all, Kakashi-sensei." Iruka smiled politely, shifting Kakashi's arm where it was slung around his neck. He missed the slightly sad cast that drifted over Kakashi's eye, but it was gone so fast he might have never seen it even had he been looking.  
  
A familiar shout was the only warning the tottering pair received before an orange blur plowed into Iruka's side, driving the newly-formed trio towards one of the stalls before they toppled in horrifying slow motion into the temporary pond set up for the children's fish catching game. A flurry of orange-red bodies leapt into the air, propelling themselves away from the eruption of water as three unsuspecting derrieres settled to the pond floor.  
  
"Cold!" Naruto shrieked, launching himself out of the water, arms pinwheeling madly.  
  
Iruka blinked dumbly, his neck on fire where Kakashi's damp hair tickled it as the man laughed quietly to himself. Iruka felt an odd squirming and stared at his lap in blank confusion at the fish swimming in the pool of water that had gathered in the folds of his yukata, pulling forward slightly at the heaviness from the water soaking quickly into the layers.  
  
"I've never seen anyone try to catch fish _quite_ like that before," the rosy-cheeked stall owner chortled as he held out a bowl. "Well? What are you waiting for? Put them in here."  
  
"Thank you, sensei. For the fish," Kakashi snickered, shaking with helpless laughter as he clung to Iruka.  
  
"Boss, you were so _amaaaaazing_!"  
  
"Iruka-sensei, are you all right?"  
  
A sniffle. "Iduga-zenzey, du bill gach a gold."  
  
Iruka gritted his teeth against the babble of voices, recognizing Konohamaru and his cronies in an instant.  
  
"Konohamaru," Ituka bellowed, startling a flock of crows, sending them aloft in a chorus of offended cries. _Aho!_  
  
The trio of goggled children yelped in fright, catching hold of their hero and protector, Naruto, and dragging him with them as they fled. Naruto waved sheepishly at his former teachers as the crowd swallowed him up, shouting something that was drowned out by the din of the people but it sounded like he was proud and _approving_ of something. Iruka shook his head, grumbling as he fished the goldfish from his lap with one hand, his other arm still in a steadying grip around Kakashi's shoulder.  
  
The woman running the neighbouring stall, a parent of one of Iruka's students, tutted softly and sent her husband to fetch warm blankets and dry yukata as she unfurled one of the fluffy towels set aside for the more enthusiastic of the participants at the fish catching booth. The stall owner hauled the bedraggled duo up by their collars so quickly they were left breathless as he clapped their shoulders with jollity.  
  
"Fantastic showing," the man chortled before pushing them towards the motherly embrace of the woman. She, in turn, subjected them to a slightly humiliating if not bracing, rub down, mussing their hair as if they were still small boys.  
  
Iruka and Kakashi were soon sent from the stall in a flurry of well wishes and waved off apologies, clad in new matching yukata and haori, this time in a soft blue that bled into soft wheat and patterned with waves, Kakashi leaning a little heavily on Iruka in fatigue. Iruka had sacrificed his hair tie to the wrath of motherly concern as his student's mother refused to let him "gallivant about town with a damp head at this time of year". His prize bag of fish trembled in his free hand as the fish zoomed about in a deranged game of tag. Atop the joined roofs of the festival stalls, a trio of goggled heads and one bright yellow one popped up, a trio of shit-eating grins and one watery smile flashing briefly in the afternoon sun.  
  
It took the pair a while to reach the highest hill clad in the largest cherry tree of the forest; the best view in the village for hanami. Kakashi was starting to tremble with exhaustion and Iruka was worried he'd caught a chill, but the man had _insisted_ that they come to this spot. Kakashi had pulled out all the stops and enlisted the aid of passing shinobi to press his cause. In the end, it had taken a rampaging Anko to send Iruka scampering towards the hill, Kakashi latched tightly to his side. He didn't know who had told her they had special hanami dango but whoever they were, they would pay _dearly_.  
  
The pair slumped tiredly at the base of the tree, nestled in the gnarled brown-black roots of the twisted giant. The whole of Konoha spread out before them like a crooked spider web, colourful and dotted with paper lanterns. The people seemed to still and stutter in the streets like dolls in stop-action film. Voices bubbled up the hill, wending through the semi-barren trees like a river, indistinct and soothing. Kakashi and Iruka slipped into unconsciousness, lulled by the sounds of the village and the whispers of the trees.  
  
They didn't awaken when Kotetsu and Izumo stumbled upon them, Izumo trying to pull a camera from Kotetsu's hands while the bandaged chuunin tried to photograph the slumbering pair. They didn't awaken when Yamato settled himself in the gnarled limbs arching overhead to keep watch over his former captain. They didn't awaken when Asuma and Kurenai came to drag away Genma who had henged himself into a bush in order to spy on his newest gossip fodder. Yamato had, unbeknownst to the senbon user, manufactured a series of increasingly embarrassing signs to point their way to his illicit hiding place.  
  
The sun had already started its burning descent below the horizon by the time a slightly sobering Tsunade charged up the hill, snarling under her breath that Jiraiya would pay. Yamato shifted with renewed alertness at the new arrival, sinking back into the tree warily. Tsunade's eyes flickered up to where he was and she snorted briefly before gently laying a thick blanket over the sleeping duo and swiping the bag of fish. She waved backhandedly to Yamato and rambled back the way she'd come, muttering about cashing in a debt.  
  
Hours later, the two woke to the shrieks of fireworks shooting skywards, brilliant chrysanthemums bursting across the sky to blank out the stars. The village was alight with different coloured lanterns, licks of fire flaring up in darkness in the form of kanji. One firework burst into a shower of pink, each glittering speck falling like sakura petals.  
  
Iruka almost upset the bento set before he realized it was there. He felt his face heat up as he realized that someone come and gone leaving both a blanket and food. A thermos with piping hot ginseng tea gave away Kurenai's visit. A kitsune mask told of Naruto. A partially eaten stick of dango and a sticky apology note had him laughing at Anko's reluctant remorse. Kakashi leaned against him, snuggled into his warmth, interjecting snaky comments all the while. Overhead, unnoticed, Yamato relaxed with a mischievous grin.  
  
By the following week, Kakashi had recovered enough to be reinstated on the active missions roster and Iruka was finally freed from his bondage and allowed to return to the Academy. They didn't meet again for a long while though Iruka had muzzy memories of a joint mission gone awry. He had the fast-healing scars to prove it. Tsunade had also left him a collection of goldfish while he'd been in the hospital, each shimmering like gilded tangerines in their different prisons. She'd seemed to think they should have meant something to him.  
  
The next time Iruka ran into Kakashi, it was early summer and Iruka was chasing Konohamaru and his cronies through the street when they'd turned a blind corner. In moments, the three children were tearing off down the street, leaving Iruka on his rear in the dust. As Kakashi helped him from the dusty road, he smiled and said something that had Iruka's brain stuttering.  
  
"Excuse me, Kakashi-sensei. I think I must have heard you wrong," Iruka murmured, overtly aware of the jounin's hand on his arm.  
  
"I asked where you wanted to go this time. Taking another trip to the hospital seems a bit excessive and I personally would prefer a change of scene," Kakashi chirped. "And I would really prefer if you could drop the formalities now that we're dating."  
  
"D-d-dating? Since when!" Iruka felt himself flush.  
  
"Of course! Two joint hospital visits. Dinner _and_ a movie _and_ sleeping together? The hanami? The fish? That's practically third base!" Kakashi looked far too smug.  
  
"That… that…" Iruka couldn't finish. Curse the shinobi dating protocol. Multiple trips to the hospital in the care of the same person who was not a mission partner, publicly recognized friend or relative, or who was not under orders to deliver wounded to the hospital was equivalent to making a public confession in the shinobi world. Joint stays in a shared room practically screamed it.  
  
"And Tsunade-sama and Naruto-kun and everyone else has already given their blessings," Kakashi went on, smiling broadly. Iruka gaped for a moment, turning back towards the Academy in horror, wondering what kinds of rumors his students had been hearing.  
  
"TSUNADE-SAMA," he roared, making to charge the Hokage Tower.  
  
"Feisty! I like it," Kakashi crowed. Iruka had barely a second to look back to see a very familiar bush of hair silhouetted by the sky as Kakashi pounced. As he blushingly slapped at the hands that clutched at him, shouting over Kakashi's embarrassing whining, Iruka thought that maybe things weren't so bad after all. On the other hand, the strange behaviors of the people around him suddenly made sense.  
  
A passing gaggle of housewives giggled behind their hands and Iruka stopped struggling to blink owlishly. Kakashi snuggled into his flak vest with a happy sigh and Iruka rolled his eyes, patting at the silvery bush that wriggled in his face, reveling in its softness.  
  
"Okay fine. We're dating. But don't take it the wrong _waaa_ —" Iruka was cut off as Kakashi yanked him to his feet, lacing their fingers together and hauling him in a foreign direction.  
  
"Great! We'll have dinner and then we can watch the movie I rented. It's an oldie, but goodie— _Icha Icha Cliffhanger_ —and it's far better than its name implies," Kakashi babbled. Iruka could only roll his eyes and wave ruefully at the villagers they passed.

**Author's Note:**

> Kakairu Formspring Prompt from 2010 (so it's a very old cross-post)
> 
> Prompt Question :: Where was your first date with each other? How did it go? Did you only realize it was a date after it happened?
> 
> Also, aho means idiot.


End file.
